All that I'm living for
by millymarie
Summary: Its depressing, and choppy. But it's a good story. Nick centric. Read to find out!


**Okay, so this is a depressing story, but I have this thing. Where i put my ipod on shuffle and the first song that comes up is the song I use. It stretches my imagination. So bear with me. And bear with me. It's rough and jumpy. But its supposed to be that way. Because that is the way I pictured it. Reviews would be awesome!**

It has been building inside me for months now, and it scares me. I'm not happy, I don't smile, I can't stand my life. And I don't know what to do.

_All that I'm living for  
All that I'm dying for  
All that I can't ignore alone at night_

My name is Nick Jonas, and I think I'm depressed.

It got really bad about four days ago. We had just finished a show in Nevada, and were once again on the road. Show, road, show, interview, road. My life was so predictable. Anyways, I messed up the second verse to Still in Love with You, and Joe was giving me crap for it. So I turned on him and walked right up into his face. I wanted to hit him so bad, hoping it would make me feel better. I hadn't realized that I had my fist raised and was about to hit him. Luckily Kevin pulled me back in the nick of time. I stumbled backwards and shook my head. What was I doing? I was going to hit my brother? I looked up at Joe's face and he looked scared of me. I had to get out of here. So I turned and ran, ignoring Kevin's calls for me. I raced out the back door and into the darkness. It looked so inviting, pitch black. I just need space, yea that's it. Just need some time to myself. So with one look back I headed out into the night.

_I can feel the night beginning  
Separate me from the living  
Understanding me  
After all I've seen  
Piecing every thought together  
Find the words to make me better  
If I only knew how to pull myself apart_

I don't know where I was going. I don't know how long I had been walking, but I came up to a small gas station and walked inside. I talked to some guy who worked there, my mind somewhere else, and before I knew it, I had some white substance in my front pocket. I think it might have been cocaine. I was scaring myself, but I couldn't stop it. I can't stop it.

_  
All that I'm living for  
All that I'm dying for  
All that I can't ignore alone at night  
All that I'm wanted for  
Although I wanted more  
Lock the last open door  
My ghosts are gaining on me_

I am walking down some road, totally lost, and out of insulin. The darkness just keeps pulling me in. My mind whispering words to me, 'you're not worth it' 'they don't care' 'just keep going'. And I listened. I kept stumbling forward. Before I knew it there were head lights coming from behind me. I stood there like a deer in headlights. The car came to a complete stop a few feet from me. The door opened, and I took off running into the woods. Not knowing who it was, fear got the better of me and I kept sprinting away from the people chasing me.

_All that I'm living for  
All that I'm dying for  
All that I can't ignore alone at night  
All that I'm wanted for  
Although I wanted more  
Lock the last open door  
My ghosts are gaining on me_

I tripped on a tree root, and I hit the ground hard. I just sit there, staring at the earth, slowly my mind comes back and I can hear myself being pulled up. Yelling reaching my ears.

"Nick! What were you thinking?"

"That was so stupid!"

"Do you know what could have happened!"

"You could have died!"

"Nick! Nick! Can you hear me!"

The thing was that I could hear them, but I was off in the land that scares me, where I hate being. I see myself letting them down, forgetting the words, being diabetic, causing problems. Slowly my mind starts to focus on my brothers standing there, looking at me like I'm going to break. The same way they did when they found out I had diabetes. They cared. They always have, ever since I fell of my first bike, broke my first bone, was diagnosed. What was I doing? Who had I become?

_I believe that dreams are sacred  
Take my darkest fears and play them  
Like a lullaby  
Like a reason why  
Like a play of my obsessions  
Make me understand the lesson  
So I'll find myself  
So I won't be lost again_

"Guys." I croak out, "Something is wrong with me." And I start to cry and crumple to the ground.

My brothers reach out and take me in their arms. I finally know they are there, and they are never going to leave. I could have gone on forever and not see it. They love me, they really love me. And I'm a monster.

_Guess I thought I'd have to change the world  
To make you see me  
To be the one  
I could have run forever  
But how far would I have come  
Without mourning your love?_

**It really has an effect if you listen to the song, All that I live for by evanescence. Hope you liked it!**


End file.
